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Helpful Tip: Don't start thinking of your henchmen as "people"
When I chat with other supervillains, they often ask me, "What kind of benefits do you offer your underlings?"
To which I answer, "Benefits? It's benefit enough that I allow them the honor of serving me, before I casually kill them off!"
HENCHMEN ARE NOT "EMPLOYEES"-- THEY ARE SLAVES!
Benefits, my ass! Any time one of those idiots annoys me, I kill him -- imagine if I had to pay for burials! I'd go broke! That's why I keep man-eating boars, for crying out loud. Even the bikini girls by the lagoon have to pay their own dental. What am I, a charity?
-- Professor Von Strychnine, S.U.B.Ve.R.T.
Evil On A Budget, Inc. presents the original henchperson accouterment. No lackey or thug deserves the moniker without a genuine American-made sap. Fine cured leather, filled with iron shot. Small and large sizes.
Price: US$8.95 Large, US$4.95 Small
*not legal for personal use in CA, MO, SD, and Guam. Like you care.
NEW! Classic 60's styling + modern simplicity = The Black Mask
Today's jackbooted thugs, homicidal underlings and Blackwater operatives lack style, sophistication and panache.
Remember the 60's? Back then, henchmen had style. Whether it was gold lamé unitards and platform shoes, or thick polyester jump suits with oversized belts and bicycle caps, henchmen knew how to maim and kill while still looking great.
Relive the glories of the heyday of supervillainy by dressing your thralls in classic black masks. They're inexpensive, yet can magically complete any ensemble. And with matching shoes, your ruffians will dazzle anyone foolish enough to get in the way of your plans for global domination.
Our black masks are made of silk, with a secure metal buckle for the head strap. And they're guaranteed* not to interfere with your minions' vision.
Order some today, before all the supervillains are doing it. This is a limited time offer!
Price: US$29.99 ea., $309.99 for ten
*as you may have noticed, we throw around the word "guarantee" rather freely. It's not guaranteed. We never guarantee.
In the tenth century, a secret order of the Ismaili Sect of Islam was founded by Hasan ibn al-Sabbah; violent extremists loyal to the Caliph Nizar ibn al-Mustansir, for whom they committed vicious murders while under the influence of hashish.
This has nothing to do with why assassins wear fezzes.
Two styles; "traditional" (pictured left) and "I'm an organgrinder's monkey!" (pictured right).
Price: US$79 ea.
Henchman 802.11b wireless upgrade
Tired of your hapless henchpersons bollixing your orders, miscommunicating your evil proclamations, and generally behaving like retards? Then get your henchmen on the Wireless Web! "Wireless" is the buzzword for 2008, and all the other villains are doing it!
First plug your wireless LAN station into any Linux-based PC*; then it's time to upgrade your henchmen. Our proprietary 802.11b-compliant subcranial chip can be implanted into any skull using an ordinary industrial staple gun!**
Now your henchpersons can communicate wirelessly, cybernetically controlled by your evil plans in OPENSCHED. Never suffer another henchperson mishap!***
Price: US$119.99 for the LAN station; $39.99 ea. for the wireless implants Quantity: *need we explain again why you shouldn't use Microsoft products? **as a bonus, the procedure is remarkably painful ***should not be construed as a warranty or guarantee.
Exploding obedience collar
Are your henchpersons disobeying your orders? Are your femmes fatale sassing you back? Are your underlings moaning and groaning? Are your WalMart employees unionizing?
World Domination Small Appliances Division presents the state of the art in underling management accouterments: the Detonatotine™ Remote-Controlled Exploding Collar.
Each titanium collar (one size fits all*) latches permanently around your henchperson's neck, and is remote detonated from an easy-to-use remote unit or console.
Any attempt to remove the collar will detonate the built-in explosive round. Also, the collar detonates when the battery runs out -- never have to change batteries again!
Each collar keys to a personalized control signature, so you won't accidentally decapitate your favorite sex slave instead of that surly sommelier.
The collars are available in a variety of fashion colors: Titanium, Chrome, Steel, Metallic Gray, and Thundercloud.
Price: US$499.99 ea.
*Collar may choke persons with very large necks, which is not really a drawback; midgets, alien grays, and 1/8th-size clones may have to wear collar around their waists
The original assassin's bowler hat
Whether popularized by effete British secret agents, or by the silent Asian henchmen of gold-loving megalomaniacs, the steel-rimmed bowler hat is the weapon de choix of the sophisticated, double-breasted killer.
Hand-crafted by Croup & Vandemaar Haberdashery of London (Below), this magnificent hat is formed from high-quality brown or black felt with a pure silk inner lining. The rim is a specially-manufactured stainless-steel ring with a keen blade edge that will never dull with normal usage; the rim's felt is specially treated to repel blood and gore.
The hat is weighted for throwing, and in our tests split an oak two-by-four at 100 feet.
Prices start at US$699.99; please note hat size; cleaning kit only US$29.99
Henchperson uniform MK1
Class. Sophistication. An aesthete's eye for beauty. All qualities your henchmen lack. But you possess them -- so why should you be surrounded by peons wearing last year's couture?
Here's what your henchmen should be wearing: the traditional silver lamé jumpsuit, available in S, M, L, XL, and XXL. Circus freak sizes available by special order.
Choose from 8 belt and boot colors: Gold, Yellow, Lemon, Cadmium, Saffron, Citrine, Amber, and Quince.
From Evil On A Budget, Inc.
Price: US$39.99; purchase 100 or more for US$20.00 each.
Henchperson uniform MK2
The serious supervillain hires serious henchmen; and those henchmen wear serious uniforms.
Originally designed for security guards at the Microsoft campus, the MK2 uniforms come complete with kevlar jumpsuit, canvas belt, hip boots, metallic sash, and combination protective helmet/gas mask.
Jumpsuit comes with snap or Velcro fly. The space-age material* is resistant to blood and other aqueous humors.
Available in Black, Charcoal, Ebony, Jet, Pitch, Raven, and Soot. Must be dry-cleaned.
Price: US$99.99; purchase 20 or more for US$79.99 each.
Quantity: * The Space Age was 40 years ago, of course. And so is the technology.
The Zombification System
Are your henchmen unreliable? Willful? Always demanding "perks" like medical care, food, or pay?
Well, you won't have those problems when you convert your entire workforce in ZOMBIES!
It's convenient and FUN! Just kill your henchman (see, it's fun already), and then follow the simple instructions.
Your once-whiny henchman becomes a faithful living-dead slave in just minutes! Amuse your evil friends!*
Price: US$199.99 per kit (creates 12 zombies)
*zombies must consume human brain matter to survive. Wear a metal hat.
Assassin's blade meets high fashion
If you've ever tried to arm your femmes fatale or bikini girls, you know how picky they can be about accessories.
That's why Mode de Meurtrier of Paris presents their line of high couture assassination blades, guaranteed to slit the toughest throat while letting your fatal beauty feel she's looking her best.
Invite our fashion consultant to your lair or secret base, where your sexy subordinates will be thrilled by our wide selection of fatal accouterments, available in this year's trendiest colors and styles. We do custom work to match any outfit.
Prices start at US$1,299.99.
Metal dentition upgrade
The classic henchman accouterment is back in style: metal teeth.
They're not only stylish and intimidating, they're useful to boot. And don't get fooled by those idiots wearing "grills" -- our metal death are deadly weapons, not ghetto bling.
Mengele Medical's trained evil orthodontist will coat your henchman's teeth in high-quality razor-sharp stainless-steel.* Be the envy of other supervillains. Upgrade your henchman today!**
Price: US$1,800.00 per procedure
*as a bonus, the procedure is remarkably painful **henchman may not be able to speak, may bite off own tongue, and may suffer iron poisoning. Like you care.
The Protect-o™ All-Environment Suit
Do your henchworkers complain whenever you order them into a semi-hazardous environment, such as an arsenic-filled room, a river of white hot magma, or a pool of liquid helium?
Then kill them!
But for the henchers who don't complain, provide a Protect-O* All-Environment Suit.
Lightweight** and comfortable,*** with total ease of movement, the Protect-O will inure its wearer to the injurious effects of fire, acid, radiation, electricity, lasers, extreme temperature, poison, heavy artillery fire, wild animals, traffic collisions, falls from extreme heights, extremes of atmospheric pressure, loud noises, infectious diseases, alien predators, impacts by small planetesimals, and ticks. Be sure to read manual before use.****
Available in Orange, Apricot, Bergamot, Burnt Ocher, Burnt Sienna, Cadmium, Carnelian, Carotene, Copper, Helianthin, Mandarin, Marigold, Orpiment, Pumpkin, Tangerine, Terra Cotta, Titian, and Zinc.
*No relation to Protecto, that meddlesome do-gooder from the League of Sanitation. **1200 lbs. ***Occupant may experience some chafing; some pain in limbs, torso, and head; some irritation of the sinuses, soft tissues, eyes, genitals and anus; some smothering. ****Occupant must be permanently welded into suit. Suit provides one hour of breathable air. Occupant must wear genital and anal catheters -- catheters do not work. Suit provides restricted vision and hearing, except when exposed to bright lights or loud sounds. Suit may not protect against all dangers cited above. Suit may not protect against any dangers cited above.
Replicadyne Henchbot 3000
Cloning? Zombies? Cybernetic "upgrades?" Bah!
There's no henchman as loyal, reliable, and cheap as a ROBOT HENCHMAN. And the Replicadyne Systems Henchbot 3000 is the NUMBER ONE robotic henchman on the market.
His internal battery lasts 10 HOURS, and recharges in only four hours. His spoken vocabulary is 100 words, and he can operate both an automatic rifle and a laser pistol (software extra).
Other activities include crushing, bashing, stomping, slowly chasing, and serving tea. And over 92% of Henchbot 3000s sold have NEVER turned against their masters, ten-percent more than the next best-selling henchbot in this price range!
Price: US$25,000,000 each; user must agree to EULA