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Helpful Tip: Bad medicine
When the average retard on the street thinks of 'mad scientists,' they always think of mad physicists building shrinking rays, mad chemists mixing earth-shattering explosives, or mad meteorologists devising weather-control machines.
Often overlooked is the mad medical doctor, the linchpin of the mad sciences.
THE FOOLS! THEY WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND! MY WORK IS WORTH MORE THAN A FEW USELESS LIVES!
Science knows no 'ethics,' no 'boundaries!' What makes them think I'm playing god? I'm a surgeon! I AM GOD!!!
-- The Preserved Brain of Josef Mengele, M.D.
The DIY trepanation kit
Putting holes in other people's skulls is a favorite supervillain pastime. But why would you ever drill a hole in your own skull?
Human beings have been practicing the art of trepanation for many thousands of years. By creating a small hole in the skull and allowing the skin to grow over it, blood flow to the brain is increased. Practitioners report increases in memory, intelligence, and even psychic ability.*
Our home trepanation hit comes complete with a Makita cordless drill, sterile wipes, plenty of gauze, and a helpful pamphlet.
Price: US$39.99; order now and get an in-the-egg scrambler for free!**
*medical professionals report infections and brain damage; plus a free 72-hour psych stay. **DO NOT use the in-the-egg scrambler on your head. Please.
Adamantium steel eyes
Sure, you want adamantium steel bones -- who doesn't? The physical near-invulnerability, the cool snik-snik of those claws -- but who can afford the complicated, dangerous and painful bone-replacement procedure?
That's why Evil On A Budget, Inc. presents the cheaper, easier, quicker alternative; Adamantium Steel Eyeballs.
They're cheap, any qualified evil ophthalmologist can install them, and your new eyes will be completely invincible!*
Price: US$249.99 per pair
* You'll be totally, permanently blind. Of course. But it's a small price to pay for INVINCIBLE EYES!
No word in the medical lexicon is more disturbing, more primally frightening than "speculum."
Lots of devices are nastier, or more painful.
But no evil doctor or malevolent medical facility can be without a complete selection.
Price: US$89.99 for S - XXXL sizes; US$49.99 for anal and urethral sizes*
*contact us for a list of specialty specula, one for every conceivable human orifice!
You can't go wrong with an old favorite. Sodium pentathol, a.k.a. Sodium thiopental, is an intravenous short-acting barbiturate that lowers the resolve and weakens the will of those injected.
But you're a villain, and you knew that.
Great for interrogations, torturings, and unnecessary procedures; or mix with sodium pancurate for a lethal cocktail of death.
Available in intravenous or NEW! inhalable forms.*
Price: US$129.99 per unit (100 cc's)
*individuals have been known to abuse the inhalable form. And by "abuse" we mean "have a great old time."
Enhanced interrogation toolkit
Why suffer with shoddy, homemade torture instruments, when you can cause suffering with these professional stainless steel interrogation instruments from MedievaSurgical Tools LLC, Istanbul, Turkey.
From the Epidermal Extruder to the Genital Chafer, each device is hand-crafted from the finest materials. And cleanup is easy!
For your next extraordinary rendition, use only the best -- from MST, the leaders in algesic enhancement since 1348 AD.
Organ donor clones
For today's supervillain, aging, disease and death just aren't options. But finding fully compatible blood and organs can be a pain, especially if you're a mutant or an alien. Just try finding G+ blood or a donor thorax at the local hospital!
That's why Dr. DeSpayr pioneered the process of growing Organ Donor Clones. Build yourself a stable of force-grown genetic duplicates, ready to be harvested for your medical benefit. Sure, they'll complain -- that's why you have to keep them lobotomized.*
Organ Donor Clones can also be used as assassin's lures, can spare you the boredom of tedious official functions, and can help fulfill your sick sexual fetishes. One thousand and one uses!
All Organ Donor Clones are marked with an identifying bar code to prevent mishaps. Your satisfaction is guaranteed!**
Price: US$9,999.99 per clone; min. of 12 per order
*VillainSource, Mengele Medical and World Domination LLC bear no responsibility for Organ Donor Clones run amuck. Just remember you're creating a batch of grown adults exactly as evil and twisted as you are. **As with all VillainSource guarantees, there is no actual guarantee.
Cryosuspension blood replacement fluid
Want to live forever? Sure you do. But don't wait for Death to come a-knockin' before you try one of those dicey head-preservation schemes. There's a much better way to go.
Have your blood replaced with Mengele Medical's™ proprietary Cryosuspension Blood Replacement Fluid. Composed of our patented blend of phenoxyethanol, ethylene and diethylene glycol, sodium hydroxide, 2 ethyl hexanoic acid, sodium nitrite and sodium tolyltriazole, our cryosuspension fluid retards aging, enhances physical strength, and keeps your body running at a life-extending 62° Fahrenheit.
You don't have to live with ordinary blood anymore!
Price: US$500,000 per treatment
*HEALTH WARNING: cryosuspension blood replacement is known to the State of California to cause birth defects, cancer, bloody stool, hardening of the ocular jelly, Restless Leg Syndrome, Blue Rubber Bleb Nevus Syndrome, Aplastic Anemia and other Myeloproliferative Disorders, Waldenstrom's Macroglobulinemia, gout, sexual dysfunction, restlessness, drowsiness, weight gain, weight loss, Adrenoleukodystrophy, Antiphospholipid Syndrome, hair loss, unwanted hair, Sarcoidosis, dandruff, Crohn's Disease and Ulcerative Colitis, elated mood, depressed mood, Bipolar Disorder, anal leakage, constipation, Hematologic Malignancies, genital warts and/or rashes, Fibromyalgia, water retention, Ankylosing Spondylitis, Myasthenia Gravis, Landau Kleffner Syndrome, Malignant Prostatic Hyperplasia, goiter, Hyperthyroidism, webbing of the fingers and toes, skin discoloration, excessive production of earwax, flatulence, Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome, Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease, dissolution of the bone marrow, deafness, sensitivity to sound, Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva, sensitivity to sunlight, night blindness, Tuberous Sclerosis, excessive production of nasal and vaginal mucus, reduction in breast size, inflammation of the testes, loss of finger- and toenails, loss of teeth, withering of the extremities, Conjunctivitis, severe allergies to common materials, memory loss, partial amnesia, inflammation of the ears, Pulmonary Embolism, Hemorrhoids, jock itch, Lymphatic Filariasis (Elephantiasis), excessive production of saliva, dry mouth, Hemochromatosis, flu-like symptoms, and death.
Henchperson cloning system
Tired of looking for new henchmen every time you slay one in a fit of pique, or when they die defending your fortress from the agents of "responsible agencies?"
Then turn to the new science of CLONING! Everyone's doing it!
One henchman can become twenty in under an hour! The CosmiDyne Cloning System comes with complete lab facilities and twenty Replikation Pods. CosmiDyne Undifferentiated Phenotype Replikation Paste™ sold separately.
Want to live forever, but wary of arcane rituals and dodgy artificial intelligence uploads? The answer is easy -- PRESERVE YOUR HEAD.
World Domination LLC and Mengele Medical™ are now making available the technology that keeps The Preserved Head of Josef Mengele alive and "kicking."
Upon your death, or sooner, your head will be removed by our medical professionals, pickled in proprietary preservative fluids, and irradiated with our patented Re-animation Ray. Within weeks you'll be back to barking orders and -- well, barking orders.
*your head must be permanently attached to our proprietary vivosuspension unit, located at World Domination LLC Headquarters (undisclosed location).