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Helpful Tip: It's not an Achilles Heel if you're wearing armored boots
There's no point in having the ability to scramble minds, if a hero finds out your power can be negated by simple asbestos helmet.
Or being able to conjure up thunderstorms, but only if there's a major body of water nearby.
Or being absolutely invulnerable to harm, except for that Idaho-shaped birthmark on your right buttock.
DON'T LET ANYONE DISCOVER YOUR WEAKNESSES OR DISADS.
There's no reason to ever reveal these to anyone. Even to that beautiful undercover agent in the tiny bikini.
Especially not her.
-- Kls'D, The Dark Blasphemer of the Abyss
The Amulet of Aranon the Unready*
This amazing occult amulet grants its wearer tremendous psychic powers.** The visions and prophecies afforded the user have led to the rise and fall of nations.*** But beware the curse that accompanies these great powers!**** Let the unready beware!*****
Price: US$9.99 ea.; US$6.99 for lots of 500 or more
*Actually, an Amulet of Aranon The Unready. He made thousands of them. We have pallets full. **Well, not tremendous. Basically, the wearer can see things that have already happened, if the wearer was actually present at the time. We grant that this isn't a very useful power. ***We made this up. Although, an Amulet of Aranon The Unready may have had some impact on the resignation of the Commerce Secretary of Trinidad in 1979. ****Wearing the amulet may lead to a slight increase in psoriasis symptoms. Not much of a curse, but then it's not much of an amulet. *****We have no idea what this means.
The world's greatest supervillains aren't the ones with flashy superpowers or cool toys. They're the ones with superhuman intellects.
Genius was a feature dependent on the vagaries of genetics, until now.
Mengele Medical presents the IQ300 Pharmaceutical Intelligence Enhancer, a regimen of oral supplements containing ginkgo biloba, fish extract, strontium-90, nanoviruses, and other active ingredients.
The IQ300 regiment is guaranteed to increase your I.Q. by 300 points, or your money back!*
Price: Three easy payments of US$49.99
*If you believe we'll actually refund your money, you NEED these pills.
Irradiated entomological enhancement kit
Evil On A Budget, Inc. knows that most of us aren't born with beneficial genetic mutations, or with alien DNA, or with access to a global super-conglomerate with the resources to produce superpowered devices.
That's we offer the Irradiated Entomological Enhancement Kit. This secure canister is filled with a variety* of live, irradiated insects.
Just allow these insects to bite you and inject their irradiated serum** into your bloodstream. There's a good chance*** that you will develop insect-related superpowers!
And the whole kit is only $299.99!****
*we choose the insects; we guarantee at least a dozen different insects and arachnids. **well, poison, actually ***maybe not a "good chance"; it's actually 1 in 100,000,000,000. But that's why we give you 12 insects! ****FedEx adds a $29.99 surcharge for the shipment of irradiated microfauna.
Learn magic and thrill kill your friends!
Wish you had the power to control men's minds, reshape Creation like clay, and mold Reality to your whim? Then learn magic.
No, not stupid parlor tricks, but the Dark Arts of Thaumaturgy, Sorcery, and Necromancy.
Our EZ Magic Kit comes with real human-skull cup, birchwood wand, silver Satanic blade, thaumaturgical components*, cup trick, three foam balls, and instruction book. 30-day money-back guarantee.**
*May include some but not all of the following: congealed baby's blood, unicorn horn, wormwood extract, monkey semen, nightingale liver, tiger's ocular jelly, bat wing, witch's dried menstrual blood, chalk made from the ground bones of virgins, parchment made from the skin of Christian babies, devil's horn, dried stag's penis, MSG, powder of Jesus' foreskin, Carpathian tomb soil, a leprous hand, and/or kosher salt. **Guarantee void if Dr. Strange gets word of what you're up to.
Personal physical enhancement through the miracle of gamma radiation
Are you a 90-pound weakling? Do you rely on henchmen and robots to do all the physical work? Do other supervillains make fun of you?
They will never dare mock again after you've undergone our Gamma Radiation Genetic Phenotype Enhancement!
We bombard your sickly frame with lethal dosages of gamma rays.* Soon, whenever you become angry, you will "monster-out" into a massive hulking green** monster of mass destruction.
The greater your rage, the greater your strength! Crush your enemies! Impress the ladies!
Price: US$50,000 per treatment
*usually lethal, anyway. **the green skin color is an unavoidable side effect, although sometimes you might be gray. ***yes, we got this idea from a work of fiction: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
If you feel the need for speed, look no further than this: Radiation Therapy Inc. presents the latest in superpower enhancement through molecular superagitation.
After three painless* treatments in a positron collider, your body's molecules will be super-accelerated to near-light speeds, allowing you to move at super-speeds, "phase" through solid objects, and "fly" by running on air.
Rob a bank in a millisecond; foil the efforts of law enforcement officers who appear frozen in time; escape to foreign locales in mere moments. You will be invincible!**
Price: US$20,000 per treatment
*painful, actually. **molecular superagitation speeds up your body's metabolism. You will have to eat constantly, and some subjects*** will grow old and die within weeks. ***all subjects, actually.
NEW! The God of Pain
The good folks at Cyberdyne Defense Systems call this newly-developed item the Coupled Charge Distally-Grafted Human Performance Enhancement Rig.
Everyone who has ever seen the thing in action calls it The God of Pain.
Grafted onto your body in place of your forearm, the God of Pain fires a nucleonically-coupled beam that rips right through most forms of armor and many varieties of force field.
Set on "low," the beam excites every pain receptor in the victim's body. On "medium," it twists and deforms the target's body WHILE exciting every pain receptor.
And on "high" -- well, it's the most horrific death we at VillainSource have ever seen. And that's saying something.
Unit must be permanently grafted to operator's elbow stump. It powers itself using the operator's life force, so there are no batteries to replace.*
Comes with a three-year manufacturer's guarantee.**
Price: US$1,400,000.00; illegal to purchase in Minnesota.
Quantity: *although you'll need a way to replace the stolen life force. **will not be honored.
Adamantium steel endoskeleton
You'll be kicking ass and taking names when you have every bone in your body coated in patented Adamantium Steel!™
Yes, Canada's Weapon X Program has been privatized, and now you can take advantage of this advanced medical technology!
First, every bone in your body is surgically removed,* then lovingly coated in industrial-grade adamantium.
Once your bones are replaced,** you're a lean,*** mean, killing machine!****
Price: CA$12,000,000 (razor claws upgrade extra; not available in Manitoba)
*This process is excruciatingly painful. **This process is even more painful than the removal. ***Addition of metal to bones may double or triple your body weight. ****Warranty covers extra protection for bones only. The following side effects are not covered: relative vulnerability of other body tissues; inability of muscles to move and support metal-laden bones; inability of the metal-laden bones to produce red blood cells, leading to susceptibility to disease and death; deafness due to metal-laden ear bones; adamantium poisoning.
WDT Body Mecha Deluxe
World Domination Technologies, LLC. is dedicated to dominating the Robot Body Armor market (amongst other things).
Forget those flimsy tin suits from Japan -- the WDT Body Mecha Deluxe is the real deal.
Titanium armor 3" thick; robotic movement, including jumping (18' vertical, 36' horizontal) and running (35 mph city, 42 mph highway); dual heavy missile launchers; dual heavy machine guns; rocket pack for extended flight.
And it's available in a variety of colors and patterns.
*please include sizing information: height, weight, and inseam.
Urban Breaker: Fire Kaiser
From our crafty little friends from Lovely Nippon Villain Kyen Kyen LLC, the state-of-the-art in urban combat battle mecha armor.
The Urban Breaker: Fire Kaiser runs on bio-energy cell packs, and give its wearer super-strength and -agility, flight, over 10,000 preprogrammed martial arts routines, and resistance to all forms of bio-mechanical energy.
And it comes in designer colors: Sanguine, Bruise, Orange Blossom, and Cobalt.
*please include sizing information: height, weight, and inseam.
Mut•VIII•R genetic Resequencer
Oh, sure, everyone wants to be a mutant, but how many people are born that lucky?
Why leave it up to nature when Mengele Medical's Mut•VIII•R Genetic Resequencer can turn YOU into a superpowered mutant?
Just expose yourself to the patented "M-Rays®," and within minutes you'll be ready to kick some heroic ass!*
Choose from eye beams, super-strength, mentalism, flight, metamorphosing, razor claws, and many more!**
*powered by fragments of the planet Xigor, sold separately **may also cause physical deformities, Cystic Fibrosis, Down's Syndrome, spina bifida, Huntington's Disease, and especially cancer.
Metapsychic bionic implant
Remember Synaptor The Mental Man? He could telekinetically move mountains, control the minds of entire cities, and knew the plans of his "heroic" adversaries before they did. Ah, the good old days.
Well, before Synaptor was cruelly cut down in his prime by the Absolute Defender UK, his bio-organic pineal waves were measured and analyzed. And now, after years of intense research, the folks at Global Domination Technologies, LLC have duplicated Synaptor's powers!*
Our lightweight unit is implanted at the base of the neck**, with micro-nanoprobes extending into the brain, exciting the psionic centers with small gamma radiation blasts.***
World Domination is within your grasp!
Price: US$225,000,000 includes installation.
Quantity: *results may vary **connected by cable to battery worn in small of back ***caused brain tumors in animal tests subjects (before they erased the researchers' minds, escaped, and founded their own psychic animal dictatorship in Zambia)
A green cosmic orb of mysterious origin, the Loc-Nar has consumed or destroyed most of those who have tried to possess it.
Are you willing to take the risk in exchange for the powers of a GOD? Destroy planets with the wave of a hand; consume galaxies and influence friends.
Do YOU have what it takes?*
Price: Negotiable (seller seeks physical immortality and freedom from the soul-crushing horror of the Loc-Nar; will entertain any serious offer)
*92% of those who possess the Loc-Nar are destroyed by it. **There is in every generation born a person called The Guardian who can destroy the Loc-Nar. Avoid this individual.