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Helpful Tip: Make your mantrap escape-proof.
There are two kinds of traps; incarceration traps, and deathtraps. Whichever kind of trap you decide to employ against your do-gooder foe, be sure to follow the Cardinal Rule of Traps:
TRAPS SHOULD BE ESCAPE PROOF!
And just calling a trap 'escape proof' doesn't cut the mustard. If your trap requires the presence of henchpersons to prevent escape, it is not escape-proof. If a trapped individual can foil the trap using a laser watch or a belt grapple, it is not escape proof. That's why all my traps vaporize the hero instantly. Fuck 'em, I say -- I'll explain my evil schemes to my cat.
-- Baron Devastation, The Brotherhood of Genetic Impurity
Ultra-budget man trap
Evil On A Budget, Inc. presents the Ultra-Budget Man Trap Kit. Just dig a hole*, place these sharpened spikes in the bottom, and cover the hole with loose branches.* You have a deadly trap in just minutes!
Price: US$29.99 (Save 20%)
*hole not included **branches not included
Any experienced agent shudders at the very word.
Whether applied to the limbs, chest, genitals, or brain, boreworms cause more pain and suffering than any other alien life form in the same price range. And www.boreworms.com, in association with VillainSource, is offering high-quality boreworms at a special discount price.*
Price: US$999.99 (sold in lots of 12)
*special handling tongs and methane containment environment extra; can not be shipped via U.S. airports.
Insta-Fall™ trap door w/ camouflage
Trap-A-Matic Inc. presents the Insta-Fall™ Trap Door, camouflaged to match any floor type. Never have to put up with a surly henchperson, disloyal subordinate, or incautious hero again!
Activated by hidden button, by pressure sensor, or by The Clapper™.
Price: US$1,200.00; buy two, get one free!
The water trap -- gallons of murderous goodness!
Trying to pry information from that uncooperative do-gooder? Or just planning to kill him in a really sick and nasty way? You need the Water Trap 1000 from Prison-Tekk Systems of Turkey.
About the size of a phone booth, the glass & iron case holds its victim securely while it slowly fills with water (or any other liquid). You choose the flow rate, and the clear glass lets you see every twitch and tremor. Drowning someone was never so much fun!
Drains easily, self-cleaning. Hooks up to any standard water tap.
RealDoll™ death trap
Sick of hiring femmes fatale to lure an unsuspecting hero to their death, only to have the girl pull a "Pussy Galore" and sell you out to The Man? Have you been disappointed with FemBots, which are difficult to maintain (and also tend to turn on you)?
VillainSource Special Projects Division has found the solution.
Working with the fine folks at www.realdoll.com, we've developed the RealDoll™ Death Trap. Your custom designed RealDoll™ lolls about suggestively on satin sheets, waiting for the "hero" to "bring her over." But when he does, the RealDoll™ emits poison gas, fires short-range concussive flechettes, and automatically embraces the hero in an unbreakable strangle hold. And we can't even mention on a public web site what we've done with her vagina -- you have to see it to believe it. Let's just say your heroic victim won't be fathering any little heroes.
Available in a wide range of body styles and skin tones. Each Doll of Death is constructed to your personal specifications. And yes, the deadly features can be deactivated if you want to have a little fun on your own, you sick bastard.
The elevator of despair
Very well, Meddlesome Do-gooder, I shall release you. Yes, you may leave my lair and go inform the authorities of my location and of the evil schemes I intend to inflict upon an unsuspecting populace. Yes, free to go. Just take the elevator to the surface. Yes, that one right there.
What's that? You're trapped in the elevator? How unfortunate, I shall have to get one of my henchmen to look into it. What's that you say? The mind-numbingly repetitive Muzak is slowly driving you insane? Goodness gracious! And the elevator's tremendous speed is turning your bones to jelly?
Well, at least the tiny, claustrophobic steel elevator car isn't filling up with a pain-enhancing neurotoxin. It is??? I'm shocked! I shall certainly have to complain to the manufacturer, Scaramanga & No S.A. That is, once my henchmen clear your crushed and mutilated body from my Elevator of Despair. Idiot.
Price: US$12,400 ea. plus $1,200 per storey*
Quantity: *installation extra
Myrmeleontidae xenogenetica, the Brain-Eating Bug
From Monsanto Special Projects Division, the people who brought you Man-eating Corn, comes the latest in torture and mind-control biotechnology.
The Myrmeleontidae xenogenetica is a deadly Neuroptera with alien DNA spliced in for good measure. The insect burrows in through the victim's ear, traveling into the brain and laying thousands of eggs. As well as causing horrendous pain, the bug also leaves the victim open to hypnotic suggestion.
After 10 days, the victim's head bursts, and you have thousands of new bugs to play with!*
Price: US$12,999.99 for starter kit**
Quantity: * bugs may attack you and your minions. Well, not "may." "Will." **bugs require living human brain tissue to eat. Survival not guaranteed without large quantities of living human brain tissue.
The bottomless pit
When you want a trap that's really, truly, madly, deeply escape proof, look no further than the Original Bottomless Pit from Scaramanga & No Mad Science Division.
Based on the principle of Quantum Tunneling, which assumes a 13-dimensonal universe with nine of the dimensions condensed into quantum superstrings -- fuck, we don't know how it works, nor do we care.
All we know is, you can toss a meddling do-gooder down this pit and listen to the screams slowly fade away.
Requires no maintenance, never fills up, and it's self-cleaning.* Requires professional installation; do not use near quantum singularities or propane storage tanks.
*VillainSource offers no warranty against valued objects, henchpersons, or villains that accidentally fall into the pit. They're gone. Get over it.
NEW! United States Army torture manual -- classified US secrets for sale!
How did we get our hands on the U.S. Government's top secret torture manual? Let's just say a certain government official, whom we will expose only if he stops spying for us, took his laptop to Geek Squad for repair.
We OWN Geek Squad. Stealing porn files is part of our plan for World Domination.
This is the real deal, instructions for torture techniques devised by the brilliantly sick folks at the U.S. State Department.
Learn how to perform the Deadly Lotus; the Cambodian Water Torture; the Inverted Crucifixion; the Castro Castration; and over 450 things you can do with genitals.
The price for this information is non-negotiable, and will only be sold to the first buyer.*
*unless we change our minds
Sure, you could just cap that meddlesome government agent in the head with any cheap gun-shop pistol. But would that be fun?
That's why you need an Aqua-Lethal Industries Shark Trap. Spend hours watching your least favorite intruder get nibbled to death by a Great White Shark. And never worry about disposing of the bodies again!
This 12,000 gallon aquarium of death comes either open-top or with trapdoor exposure.
Easy to clean. Kit includes three (3) great white shark shark eggs* and six weeks worth of Purina Baby Shark Chow.
Price: US$1,200,000.00 each; extra shark eggs $49.00 each (Save 10%)
*What's that you say? Great Whites are viviparous, and don't lay eggs? Well, lookit you, Mr. SmartyPants. OUR Great White sharks lay eggs. End of story.
The Maze of Death!
Why simply imprison or kill your enemies, when you can have hours of fun toying with their lives?
Install the Maze of Death, the finest in Malevolence-Enablement Architecture. This 100m x 200m x 10m facility fits in any medium to large lair, and comes complete with punji-stick traps, crushing walls, fire jets, protruding blades, collapsing floors, and much, much more!
From Scaramanga & No, the number one choice in evil contracting.
Price: US$850,000.00 (we also accept Blue Chip Stamps)
Cybernetic virtual terror simulation
Admit it -- your Dungeon of Death can only be so deadly. Your Carnival of Doom can only doom a man so far. And your Arena of Pain -- well, how painful is it, really?
The fact is, there's nothing as terrifying as the horrors that dwell in a man's own psyche. That's why Mengele Medical has created the Cyberrtoir 3000, a virtual simulated universe that takes your victim's own worst fears and turns them into a 3D, all-sensory virtual nightmare.
Your victim doesn't even know he's attached to the Cyberrtoir 3000 by a trunk of cranial implants -- he thinks he's awake and free, wandering your lair, about to save the day. That is, until his own mother's vagina comes to devour him with sticky pointy teeth.
Price: US$250,000.00. Requires Windows Vista.
Carnidyne™ Robotic Tiger 2000
If you've kept live man-eating Bengal tigers for your man traps, then you know what a hassle they are. Special food, expensive medicine, temperature controls, flea and tick care, a couple of gay Germans to train and look after them -- and that's just the beginning of the unforeseen expenses that real tigers incur.
That's why you need the Carnidyne Robotic Tiger 2000. Developed by a firm that produces animatronic animals for amusement parks, the CRT 2000 is an autonomous unit programmed to maul, kill, and consume any human being within 50 feet. But most importantly, you never feed it*, never maintain it**, it works in any environment***, never gets fleas****, and looks after itself*****!
*requires battery packs **requires daily lubrication treatment ***relative humidity may not exceed 22% ****the software is kind of buggy, though *****requires two specially-trained gay German technicians