June 2008 Villain of the Month
In 1997, Dr. Charles Vacanti at the University of Massachusetts grew a human ear out of bovine cells by attaching it to a live laboratory mouse. The experiment helped lead to the development of new replacement tissues grown from human cells.
But few remarked what happened to the ill-fated mouse. The accidental explosion of a nearby cyclotron gave the mouse advanced intelligence and immense psychic powers; and the ear gives him acute hearing.
Escaping from the university lab, EarMouse collected a secret cabal of laboratory freaks, including The Skinless Monkey and The Shampoo Rabbit. Together, they plot the destruction of the global scientific establishment through psychic command of their legions of laboratory animals.
EarMouse is our June Villain of the Month!
April 2008 Villain of the Month
Titania Smalls was a lowly chemical engineer at a top-secret government lab when an earthquake exposed her to one picogram of deadly military-grade nanites.
Her entire body was consumed by the microscopic robots; but they rebuilt her in their own image.
Whether or not Smalls was a raving psychopath before the accident or not, is a matter to be answered by the courts. What is important is that she's a raving psychopath now -- a shape-shifting, super-strong, super-fast raving psychopath.
And she's also our Villain of the Month!
June 2003 Villain of the Month
No word instills fear in the hearts of the worthless human populace than "mime," and for good reason.
Since the days of ancient Greece, these harbingers of silent torture have forced their so-called "art" upon countless millions of annoyed and unamused spectators.
But even within the evil fraternity of mimes, one name is spoken with trepidation and dread. He is the Dark Prince of Mimes, the one called The Myme. And he's our June Villain of the Month.
This malevolent maven of mumchancery is the master of a deadly form of mime that was known as Le Silence Plus Mortel to the French Resistance mimes who developed it as a silent but deadly weapon against the Nazis. No one who has endured this mortiferous form of mummery has survived.
Or, as The Myme himself recently told us upon hearing of his election as VillainSource Villain of the Month, ". . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."
Der Führerübel Mordtodestötung
May 2003 Villain of the Month
It wasn't easy getting the Arctic Nazi Consortium to join up with World Domination LLC. They tend to be a bit nitpicky about the whole anti-Semitism thing; they didn't want to be in the same cabal as the World Zionist Conspiracy, and they were a little put off that Dr. DeSpayr is Jewish.
But they control all the UFOs and the Hollow Earth nation of Lemuria, so we just pounded their asses with superior firepower until they submitted.
As a palliative for their damaged egos, we've made their military commander, Der Führerübel Mordtodestötung, our May Villain of the Month.
Ensconced in his distinctive Panzerkörperrüstung Body Armor and armed with a Syko-Systems 5550 Assault Rifle (courtesy of VillainSource), Der Führerübel keeps the Aryan Clone Army in line in anticipation of their invasion of the Scandinavian countries (planned for Q4 2010). "VillainSource is the only evil-enablement web site that ships to the Hollow Earth," Der Führerübel says. "That's why I'm a member of World Domination LLC." Keep telling yourself that, buddy.
Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf, former Iraqi Information Minister
April 2003 Villain of the Month
Usually our Customer of the Month is a supervillain, madman or despot. But for April, we have chosen an evil subordinate, a man who has elevated the craft of the villainous toady to new and exciting heights. A henchman among henchmen, he's the (former) Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf.
Never has one man remained so pigheadedly loyal to an evil despot. Even in the face of complete and utter defeat, he soldiered on, oblivious to reality. If every villain had a henchman like Mr. al-Sahaf, well, the world would be a much eviller place.
Or, as the man himself said, "I triple guarantee you, there are no American soldiers in Baghdad." Oh, Mohammed, that's just lovable.
Dr. Kita Makura, the Butcher of Beppu
March 2003 Villain of the Month
It was pointed out to us that we had yet to honor a mad scientist as our VotM; so after we slew the person who dared complain, we flipped through the Filofax.
In recognition of his stunning achievements in the fields of Unlicensed Medicine and Unnecessary Surgery, we chose Japan's leading psychotic physician, a.k.a. The Butcher of Beppu.
Dr. Makura has been a pioneer in the burgeoning fields of Involuntary Trepanation, Algetic Retroviruses, and Elective Amputations. He infected 878 Japanese schoolchildren with Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy, as part of a scientific experiment to determine whether or not it was fun to infect schoolchildren with Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (it was). His work on grafting extra limbs onto babies was published in The Journal of Mad Science. Most recently, an article Dr. Makura published last September in Torturers and Torturing is being cited by interrogators at Guantanamo Bay as "a genuine inspiration in developing new information gathering techniques."
As Dr. Makura told us this month at the Global Conference on Evil Science & Medicine 2003 in Phnom Penh, "I am very happy to be honored as VillainSource.com Villain of the Month. Dr. Mengele was a great source of inspiration in my youth, and the chance to speak with his Preserved Head has been one of the great thrills of my life."
We're forced to agree, Doc. Literally, forced.
Attorney General John Ashcroft
February 2003 Villain of the Month
Okay, we have to admit, Mr. Ashcroft has never made a purchase from us. He fancies himself a "hero," and gets all of his evil-enablement supplies from the FBI and CIA (and we heard he uses Sears to get the tarps he needs to cover semi-naked statues on Capitol Hill). But because of Mr. Ashcroft and his boss, Dick "The Real President" Cheney, our sales are skyrocketing!
Mr. Ashcroft's un-Constitutional crackdown on supposed terrorists has all the real terrorists and subversives in an uproar, and they're stocking up. From North Korea to the Michigan Militia, formerly quiescent villains are blowing their credit on lairs, weapons, henching supplies, and more. Thanks, John! You're our honorary Villain of the Month!
Mr. Ashcroft wouldn't return our calls, so we can't publish a comment. But here's a good quote:
"We've all got to stand up... or else we'll be taught that [Confederate slave-holders] were giving their lives, subscribing their sacred fortunes and their honor, to some perverted agenda." -- Southern Partisan Magazine, 1998
In this politically correct day and age, it's refreshing to see a man of position in America defend treason, sedition and slavery. Warms our hearts, really.
January 2003 Villain of the Month
If the world has learned anything from pixie-ish trip-hop diva Björk, it's this: don't piss off an Icelander.
That's why the "responsible agencies" of the world are quaking in their collective Birkenstocks at the recent global threats perpetrated by The Icecapitator, VillainSource's January VIllain of the Month.
From his hidden GlacioDome atop the volcanic glacier Vatnajökull (yes, Virginia, there is such thing as a volcanic glacier), Ice-baby (as his friends affectionately call him, as long as they're out of range) plots the destruction of the Earth. His only agenda? Global destruction.
Or, as Ice-baby told us (by speakerphone), "Hvar er næsta pósthús? Hvað kostar undir þetta bréf til Englands? Ég ætla að fá fimm fjörutíu og fimm króna frímerki." Tough words, Icecapitator, tough words indeed.
The Weapon of Mass Destruction
December 2002 Villain of the Month
Deep beneath his palatial estate in uptown Baghdad, in his secret laboratory hidden away from UNSCOM inspectors, Iraqi dictator, author, and music video star Saddam Hussein has been busy at work, using his genius intellect to create a SUPER-SOLDIER capable of foiling the schemes of his arch-foe, The BushBot MKII.
That super-soldier is called Ishtaraytu Fâkihatan -- The WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
An identical (if younger) clone of the Iraqi strongman, the WMD possesses super-strength, super-speed, and a snazzy costume designed by Saddam himself. When asked if he plans to take on the entire strength of the United States Armed Forces, WMD replies "Death to the Crusader Zionist Pigs!"
Be sure to watch CNN in the next few months -- when the US invades Iraq, that's when the fun begins! The climactic battle between Weapon of Mass Destruction and The Absolute Defender will be carried live on CNN Pay-Per-View. Don't miss it!
November 2002 Villain of the Month
All of us at World Domination LLC were saddened to hear that a beloved customer and longtime friend, THE RED QUEEN, was killed when the Kasparov Kommandoes detonated her Checkmate Bomb and destroyed Castle Rookenstein. (Actually, the "Checkmate Bomb" plans we sold to her were faulty -- she was horning in on our action, so we betrayed her.)
So we certainly never thought we'd hear from her henchman, THE PAWN, ever again. But he's back as a villain, and better than ever. Encased in his patented armless, legless Pawn Armor, The Pawn has teamed up with fellow villains CHESS-PIECE FACE and MR. KLAW to destroy the Kasparov Kommandoes, The Ex-Soviet Chessmaster Squad, Robo-Big Blue and any other chess-based super-persons or -groups.
"I will discover who betrayed my beloved Red Queen, and destroy them!" The Pawn says. Oops.
October 2002 Villain of the Month
Longtime customer FURIOUS GEORGE finally gets the nod as October's Villain of the Month.
Created in the same freakish animal lab accident that produced those meddlesome "heroes" The Primatagents, Furious George has been their full time adversary ever since.
Combating the forces of good from his SECRET JUNGLE LAIR (purchased from www.evilrealtor.com), George keeps his diaper-wearing do-gooder foes on their toes.
"VillainSupply has been indispensable in my quest to destroy The Primatagents and take over the world," George recently told us. "Without your excellent catalogue of evil-enablement tools, I would find myself -- um, find myself -- excuse me, is that a -- banana? BANANA! GIVE GEORGE BANANA! Ooh ooh ahh ahh! Banana! Banana!"
September 2002 Villain of the Month
How many people remember a moderately successful supervillainess from the late 70s and early 80's called ANAL-RETENTIVE GIRL? As a junior member of the League of Women Garroters, she didn't make much of a splash.
But in her civilian identity as MARTHA STEWART, she dominated the media world in the 90s. Now that her legitimate empire is going bust, Martha informs us she's going back to a life of super-crime.
"Don't you think these beautiful and fragrant Chinese Asters will look stunning growing in a hand-loomed willow bark basket, growing in a peat mulch fed with the blood of human innocents?" Ms. Stewart recently asked us. We did not dare disagree.
"VillainSource," she said, "It's an Evil Thing."™
August 2002 Villain of the Month
Undead Poet Laureate and veteran supervillain ZOMBIE SHAKESPEARE is August's VILLAIN OF THE MONTH.
In his never-ending battle against the Steambot Sir Francis Bacon, Will has been one of our best customers. Or as the man himself says:
"The evil that men do lives after them;
The good is oft interrèd with their bones —
Yet my whitherèd frame containeth not an ounce of pity -
Praisèd be thee, www.villainsupply.com!"
July 2002 Villain of the Month
"Noted Anti-Semite" and Enemy of Democracy YASSER ARAFAT is July's VILLAIN OF THE MONTH.
We received an order from The Man Who Invented Terrorism over a year ago for a dozen of our Exploding Henchbots Mark XII. But when we learned that this villainous genius had actually convinced his real henchmen to blow themselves up -- willingly -- we knew this fashion plate was our Villain of the Month.
Or as Arafat himself said to the Nobel Prize Committee in 1994: "Me? A 'Peace Partner!?' Bwa ha ha ha ha!"
June 2002 Villain of the Month
Former Enron CEO and criminal financial mastermind KENNETH LAY is June's VILLAIN OF THE MONTH.
Seen here in his new identity as COMMANDER HAVOC, Mr. Lay says, "Thanks to VillainSource (and the corrupt Bush administration), I can further my plans for WORLD DOMINATION!
" My wife and I are hiding out on our new LUXURY SUBMARINE MK IV, and those pesky federal regulators and disgruntled Enron investors will never find us! Bwa ha ha ha ha!"
The Human Oily Rag
February 2002 Villain of the Month
We folks at VillainSupply are always happy to welcome a so-called "Hero" over to the Dark Side.
So when we heard that THE HUMAN OILY RAG had left The Tremendous Three and was going solo as a villain, we knew he had to be February's Customer of the Month.
It seems that Mr. Tremendous cut back on THOR's morphine supply, and the guy just lost it. But don't worry, we've now got him hooked on a morphine/codeine cocktail containing one of Dr. Mengele's"secret ingredients," and THOR is gonna be taking his orders from us for a while.
Or as THOR himself is fond of saying, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGH! More drugs! More drugs! Oh God the pain never ends!"
Note (10/9/02): It seems that THOR is back with The Tremendous Three. Somehow Mr. Tremendous broke THOR's addiction to our black market painkiller. Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.
www.villainsource.com is owned and operated by World Domination LLC, a consortium of organizations devoted to the consolidation of global capital by a single cabal or individual. Member organizations include The Trilateral Commission, The Bilderberger Group, Alternative 3, The World Zionist Conspiracy, VilAnon, The International Union of Mad Scientists, Majestic-12, World Freemasonry, SMERSH/The Second Soviet, Switzerland, The Arctic Nazis, The Hellfire Club, Price/Waterhouse/Coopers, Sanrio, Archer/Daniels/Midland, Dr. DeSpayr, The U.S. Military-Industrial Complex, and Amway. ©2008 A.D. (-17 N.W.O.) World Domination LLC. Contact us, if you must waste our time: email@example.com.
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